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Friday, May 25, 2018

Mother's Day Motherless

My first Mother’s Day without my mom, 
only a few days after the 14th anniversary of Daddy’s death
     emotions fill me, 
          consume me, 
                drive me to the keyboard 
     reminding me why I write.  

I write to share the depth of loss swelling inside me. 
I write to release this sorrow that could consume me. 
I write to relate what many before me have known… 
That just because Mom is gone doesn’t mean she’s gone.  

I write to convey a love only mother and child can share 
I write to connect with others who’ve known the loss of family 
I write to soothe the ache that builds, 
     that fills 
          that spills all around me 
When all I can think about is the loss of a childhood. 

What I can’t remember about growing up is gone 
My firsts are no longer a phone call away 
                I don’t know what memories are lost but I know I’m lost.  
Without parents, 
am I still a daughter? 

My mom quoted often, 
"A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for all of your life."  

But what about after? 

The ache will ease but the loss is permanent. 
I lost more than my mom.  
      I lost my connection to my past, 
          to my childhood
               to 20 Lake Drive.  

With so many friends who are part of my circle, 
I’m not without family.  

But I am now an orphan 

And nothing I write will change that. 
But it’s a salve I need now more than ever.