Mother's Day Motherless

My first Mother’s Day without my mom, 

only a few days after the 14th anniversary of Daddy’s death, 

     emotions fill me, 

          consume me, 

                drive me to the keyboard 

     reminding me why I write.  

I write to share the depth of loss swelling inside me. 

I write to release this sorrow that could consume me. 

I write to relate what many before me have known… 

That just because Mom is gone doesn’t mean she’s gone.  

I write to convey a love only mother and child can share 

I write to connect with others who’ve known the loss of family 

I write to soothe the ache that builds, 

     that fills 

          that spills all around me 

When all I can think about is the loss of a childhood. 

What I can’t remember about growing up is gone 

My firsts are no longer a phone call away 

                I don’t know what memories are lost but I know I’m lost.  

Without parents, 

am I still a daughter? 

My mom quoted often, 

"A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for all of your life."  

But what about after? 

The ache will ease but the loss is permanent. 

I lost more than my mom.  

      I lost my connection to my past, 

          to my childhood

               to 20 Lake Drive.  

With so many friends who are part of my circle, 

I’m not without family.  

But I am now an orphan.  

And nothing I write will change that. 

But it’s a salve I need now more than ever.