My first Mother’s Day without my mom,
only a few days after the 14th anniversary of Daddy’s death,
emotions fill me,
consume me,
drive me to the keyboard
reminding me why I write.
I write to share the depth of loss swelling inside me.
I write to release this sorrow that could consume me.
I write to relate what many before me have known…
That just because Mom is gone doesn’t mean she’s gone.
I write to convey a love only mother and child can share
I write to connect with others who’ve known the loss of family
I write to soothe the ache that builds,
that fills
that spills all around me
When all I can think about is the loss of a childhood.
What I can’t remember about growing up is gone
My firsts are no longer a phone call away
I don’t know what memories are lost but I know I’m lost.
Without parents,
am I still a daughter?
My mom quoted often,
"A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for all of your life."
But what about after?
The ache will ease but the loss is permanent.
I lost more than my mom.
I lost my connection to my past,
to my childhood
to 20 Lake Drive.
With so many friends who are part of my circle,
I’m not without family.
But I am now an orphan.
And nothing I write will change that.
But it’s a salve I need now more than ever.
